In late 2009 I killed dBlogIt. The domain stayed up but all 650+ posts were mowed to the ground as I buckled under the heavy load of separation and divorce. I made a hasty backup, capturing the database only, but left the rest to rot. I dealt the final blow when I deleted the images and files forever.
I had lived my life online for over a decade, but when shit hit the fan I felt like I needed to bury that life. And I did bury it. And I had unknowingly buried my most treasured form of self-expression with it.
Eventually “the thrash” set in. I’d post a thing. Then I’d delete the thing. I’d change direction, redesign, then re-evaluate its purpose with fire. My inner self wanted to come out, yet over and over again I’d drown it. Until finally it lay still and lifeless.
I don’t remember how I got interested in blogging—however it happened, it just happened. Nobody had to convince me. There was no sales pitch. It was new and cool and fun and I loved it. And then it was gone…
There’s this great article I read called The power of your writing. Winnie, the author, was all like:
The point of writing is self-expression
And that really got me thinking about how I don’t write anymore.
Then she and the commenters started talking about how writing and sharing is honoring yourself and your experiences, and the world around you, and your place in it. I had never thought about that before. At this point I started thinking that one way to honor myself would be to put up all my old blog posts and start writing again.
Shortly thereafter, I learned that self-expression is like a light: when you turn a light off, the whole room gets dark. And so it is with the self: when one part is switched off, the whole self suffers.
Blogging is one of the truest forms of self-expression I have ever had. When I realized that I had buried such an integral part of me, and acknowledged how much I missed it, something a little bit magical sort of happened: I began to search for that old database backup. And I found it. And then I just started working on getting it back. In fact, I’ve been obsessed with reclaiming this lost part of me.
Last night I made the whole thing live again. Every post I have ever published since I started blogging on October 22, 2002. It’s imperfect, and it shows my imperfections. Some parts of it are badly broken. In time I will bring them back to good health. For now though, I’m just happy they’re back.