Smokeless Redux

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This post has stuff about religion. My perspective has changed

This morning I felt minor discomfort in my chest. A little bit of anxiety. Maybe a little phlegm in my throat. I am temporarily discontinuing my use of cigarettes (again), even though I don’t want to. I “quit” back in April but I was bumming Prime Times 18 days later.

A few reasons for the hiatus:
* My breath literally smells like shit

  • I can be a support to those around me

  • I feel like I’ve been smoking too much

Of course I’ll save money and probably be healthier as a result. Or maybe not…

Today I found myself eating to distract myself. I had a cup of coffee, a soda, two Red Bulls, a cocktail, a bag of Quaker Granola Bites, a package of Hostess Donettes, M&M’s, and chocolate chip cookies (not including lunch and dinner). Holy shit, fatty!

So why do I smoke to begin with? Stress and boredom are the biggest reasons. I’m used to doing it to fill space. So I guess It’s time to get creative.

While I’m at work it helps to take small walks, drink water, and listen to podcasts to keep me from getting bored. It gets tough at home though. I used to smoke when I got home from work, then again after dinner, and again before bed. Those slots can be filled with writing and watching movies. Painting sounds fun too—something to do with my hands I guess.

Last time I quit smoking I noticed something interesting that I’d like to take advantage of this time around. I get very meditative. Each breath is deeper, more purposeful. They feel better. My mind (while scattered and a little melancholy) seems to find greater meaning in the everyday things. A walk around the office is contemplative.

I don’t know how this is going to pan out. I’m not optimistic, and honestly, I’m only barely motivated. Will I start again tonight, or make it until November? I do know that if this is really going to happen, I’m going to need to be a hell of a lot more convinced.